Aarathi

"I looked around ,I couldn't find anyone,but I could clearly hear some one gasping,I saw some one running behind the walls,his shadow has fallen upon me either.I took all my courage ,I took a deep breath,I wanted to call some one but my voice got stuck up in my throat,I rolled up my sleeves,stayed calm for a while ,now that gasping is becoming weak,I concentrated.I could hear some one crying,some one gasping for breath"

A loud song pieced my ears,I woke up from that deadly dream,it took me few seconds to realize that my phone was ringing

Neeraj Dilli Calling....

"hello",my voice was quivering

"Joe,man where are you" Neeraj sounded excited

"Coimbatore only man,how you"?

"I have become dad man,I have become dad"Neeraj shouted.

"hey congrtaz bro,great news,though I was not in a mood to receive such a good news,I pretended so.Boy or girl??I asked

"Princess man,Princess,he laughed.

"He he wow,hmm hows Megha I asked.

Mom and daughter, both are fine..any way I will call you later man,gotta call many.

He was about to hang up.

Hey Neeraj listen,,I shouted.

What Joe?He asked.

Did you call Sarath?I don't from where his name came to my mind.

No,but I will,Right now I will call. Neeraj said.

I looked at the mobile.

09.52 am. 26-05-2013-Sunday

I was sleeping like a log,late night movie,drenched bike rides,food from railway station,phone calls,Saturday night was heavy.

One weeks hectic and tight schedules are converted into deep sleeps disturbed by weird dreams.I started feeling hungry.There is nothing to eat in my kitchen.Few empty Tropicana juice packets and hide and seek biscuit covers.Need to get up,get fresh,to dive into yet another lazy Sunday mornings.

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26th May 2013

Mumbai

Dear...

I have never seen Mumbai before,this is my first day in this big city.I have seen this big railway station in all most all Hindi Movies,This Chatrapaji Shivaji Terminal.From this coffee shop,where I sit now,I can see this Building clearly,I love this view.

First of all,this is not a suicide note,neither the last words of a loser.I have never had my words.I had never thought of death till this day.

Some how I was getting adjusted to Madurai,I never loved Tamil Nadu,to be precise I never loved any place other than Kolkata,I never loved any room than my dormitory in that Anglo Indian School,I never loved anyone more than Sister Jovan. I have vague memories about Kolkata,at the age of 11,I was taken from there.But for me Its my home,Its the only place which owns my soul.I wish I could see Sister Jovan again,for me my parents are just strangers,strangers who paid a visit once in a blue moon,who plucked me from a beautiful garden and planted in a desolate land

Madurai made me feel like an alien in the beginning,scorching sun,crowded streets,smell of jasmine and sandal,stray dogs,people with big mustache and red eyes,ramshackle food stalls,shouting drivers,screaming ladies.Slowly but steadily,as usual I became a lenient loser who couldn't resist or protest.Though my company gives me Rs 7500 per month for stay,I somehow managed in a small apartment in the first floor of a building nearby the temple road.One small room,a small fibre table and a plastic chair,One attached bathroom without light,for that,a very small kitchen where its difficult for am extremely thin person to stand or move.I had pay an advance of Rs 20000/- and a monthly rent of Rs.4500/-.I had to buy bulb for toilet,buckets,mug,hangers and many more stuffs to lead a normal life.

As I never loved my work ,I was not bothered about a much more big and convenient room I could get with that 7500 Rs.

I could never connect with anything or anyone in that place.The cold idli,loose sambar,the temple mantras,the 80 year old house owner lady,the lengthy ques for drinking water,the frequent power cuts,the mosquito,the shouting drunkards,the smell from the slums nearby,all these have become a part of my life.I was not bothered about my thin body which dint have the required weight,I was not bothered about the growing hair and beard which made me look like a sage.I forgot my facebook and gmail passwords.My phone hardly rang.Once in a week Mom calls to make sure that I am alive,Dad asks about work and promotions.Slowly Madurai has become my place.Nothing could tempt me there,nothing attracted me there.All I did without any fail was to smoke,smoke and smoke.I dint go for shopping,I dint go for movies.

My day started at 7.30 am with a cigarette,work from 9 am to 8 pm,sleepless nights and cigarettes. The pale tall wife of that gigantic neighbor used to smile at me,when ever I go to the terrace with cigarettes,she comes out,smiles at me.She is beautiful ,young,but I just smiled back.

I never expected I would get a transfer to this big city,I never expected I would take a train to Mumbai.

I never thought of a life outside Madurai,I don't know why I didn't.

Last night,on my way to Mumbai.I realized one thing.I don't have any purpose in this world.My life doesn't matter to anyone.The only place where I felt life was my cold dormitory inside that stone walls.

I am going to die,after I finish this coffee,I will pay 500 Rs to the guy who supplied me this coffee,he looks much energetic and lively than me.Then I will walk to the near by hotel,book a room and I will say good bye to this world.

I am not sad,neither happy.not satisfied neither depressed.I feel content.Mom and Dad will cry,for few months.There is no girl to wait for me.My company will not lose anything either.My death wont create any gaps.Everything will be the same.The only person whose gonna cry for me is my neighbor's tall,pale wife.

Nobody is responsible for anything in my life ,other than my birth.

My decisions,my life and it is ending here.

With out any regrets.

Sarath Varma.

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I looked at that paper again,I wanted to read it again and again.I couldn't control my hands from shivering.

Sarath,looked at me.Took that paper from me,tore into pieces,put it in his shirts pocket.He sipped the coffee.I looked outside.It was drizzling in Thrissur.

"But Sarath,why?why did you write such a crap? don't tell me this is your prank,Ok let it be your prank,don't tell me you meant what ever you wrote.

"Joe I was serious,I was planning to die the first day I reached Mumbai,I had nobody to care about,not even your face came to my mind" Sarath said.

I dint know what to say,My whole body was shivering out of an unknown feeling,I felt like slapping him on his face.But his face,the pain in those eyes made me weak.I held his hand.

"Then..Then tell me what happened??

After writing this letter,what happened?what stopped you?

Hmm,he sighed.I finished this letter,I looked at my watch,It was almost 10 am,I was supposed to join next day,Monday.

I took out my posting order,I read it again,Then I got a call in my Madurai No.

"That was our Neeraj,He called me to tell that he was blessed with a cute little angel"

I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO ME.Our Neeraj,his cute little princess,

Neeraj's baby,that thought took me to some other world,I felt like seeing his little princess.

He sent me his baby's photo to my phone,I saw life Joe,I saw hope.In that smiling face I saw my angel.

One life came to this world making many happy.

Even I want a baby,a cute little angel,for the first time in my life,I felt the urge to live.

Any way I will be getting married soon,I took my parents to Mumbai,Took a flat there.

I saw hope in his clean shaved face,

Tomorrow I will leave for Mumbai

He paid the bill,hugged me tight got into the cab.

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My mind went back to that Sunday morning dream,I ran behind that person,he was gasping,I listened to his gasp,it has soon become a feeble cry,I looked close.That was my Sarath.