Aarathi

"I looked around ,I couldn't find anyone,but I could clearly hear some one gasping,I saw some one running behind the walls,his shadow has fallen upon me either.I took all my courage ,I took a deep breath,I wanted to call some one but my voice got stuck up in my throat,I rolled up my sleeves,stayed calm for a while ,now that gasping is becoming weak,I concentrated.I could hear some one crying,some one gasping for breath"

A loud song pieced my ears,I woke up from that deadly dream,it took me few seconds to realize that my phone was ringing

Neeraj Dilli Calling....

"hello",my voice was quivering

"Joe,man where are you" Neeraj sounded excited

"Coimbatore only man,how you"?

"I have become dad man,I have become dad"Neeraj shouted.

"hey congrtaz bro,great news,though I was not in a mood to receive such a good news,I pretended so.Boy or girl??I asked

"Princess man,Princess,he laughed.

"He he wow,hmm hows Megha I asked.

Mom and daughter, both are fine..any way I will call you later man,gotta call many.

He was about to hang up.

Hey Neeraj listen,,I shouted.

What Joe?He asked.

Did you call Sarath?I don't from where his name came to my mind.

No,but I will,Right now I will call. Neeraj said.

I looked at the mobile.

09.52 am. 26-05-2013-Sunday

I was sleeping like a log,late night movie,drenched bike rides,food from railway station,phone calls,Saturday night was heavy.

One weeks hectic and tight schedules are converted into deep sleeps disturbed by weird dreams.I started feeling hungry.There is nothing to eat in my kitchen.Few empty Tropicana juice packets and hide and seek biscuit covers.Need to get up,get fresh,to dive into yet another lazy Sunday mornings.

*********************************************************************************

26th May 2013

Mumbai

Dear...

I have never seen Mumbai before,this is my first day in this big city.I have seen this big railway station in all most all Hindi Movies,This Chatrapaji Shivaji Terminal.From this coffee shop,where I sit now,I can see this Building clearly,I love this view.

First of all,this is not a suicide note,neither the last words of a loser.I have never had my words.I had never thought of death till this day.

Some how I was getting adjusted to Madurai,I never loved Tamil Nadu,to be precise I never loved any place other than Kolkata,I never loved any room than my dormitory in that Anglo Indian School,I never loved anyone more than Sister Jovan. I have vague memories about Kolkata,at the age of 11,I was taken from there.But for me Its my home,Its the only place which owns my soul.I wish I could see Sister Jovan again,for me my parents are just strangers,strangers who paid a visit once in a blue moon,who plucked me from a beautiful garden and planted in a desolate land

Madurai made me feel like an alien in the beginning,scorching sun,crowded streets,smell of jasmine and sandal,stray dogs,people with big mustache and red eyes,ramshackle food stalls,shouting drivers,screaming ladies.Slowly but steadily,as usual I became a lenient loser who couldn't resist or protest.Though my company gives me Rs 7500 per month for stay,I somehow managed in a small apartment in the first floor of a building nearby the temple road.One small room,a small fibre table and a plastic chair,One attached bathroom without light,for that,a very small kitchen where its difficult for am extremely thin person to stand or move.I had pay an advance of Rs 20000/- and a monthly rent of Rs.4500/-.I had to buy bulb for toilet,buckets,mug,hangers and many more stuffs to lead a normal life.

As I never loved my work ,I was not bothered about a much more big and convenient room I could get with that 7500 Rs.

I could never connect with anything or anyone in that place.The cold idli,loose sambar,the temple mantras,the 80 year old house owner lady,the lengthy ques for drinking water,the frequent power cuts,the mosquito,the shouting drunkards,the smell from the slums nearby,all these have become a part of my life.I was not bothered about my thin body which dint have the required weight,I was not bothered about the growing hair and beard which made me look like a sage.I forgot my facebook and gmail passwords.My phone hardly rang.Once in a week Mom calls to make sure that I am alive,Dad asks about work and promotions.Slowly Madurai has become my place.Nothing could tempt me there,nothing attracted me there.All I did without any fail was to smoke,smoke and smoke.I dint go for shopping,I dint go for movies.

My day started at 7.30 am with a cigarette,work from 9 am to 8 pm,sleepless nights and cigarettes. The pale tall wife of that gigantic neighbor used to smile at me,when ever I go to the terrace with cigarettes,she comes out,smiles at me.She is beautiful ,young,but I just smiled back.

I never expected I would get a transfer to this big city,I never expected I would take a train to Mumbai.

I never thought of a life outside Madurai,I don't know why I didn't.

Last night,on my way to Mumbai.I realized one thing.I don't have any purpose in this world.My life doesn't matter to anyone.The only place where I felt life was my cold dormitory inside that stone walls.

I am going to die,after I finish this coffee,I will pay 500 Rs to the guy who supplied me this coffee,he looks much energetic and lively than me.Then I will walk to the near by hotel,book a room and I will say good bye to this world.

I am not sad,neither happy.not satisfied neither depressed.I feel content.Mom and Dad will cry,for few months.There is no girl to wait for me.My company will not lose anything either.My death wont create any gaps.Everything will be the same.The only person whose gonna cry for me is my neighbor's tall,pale wife.

Nobody is responsible for anything in my life ,other than my birth.

My decisions,my life and it is ending here.

With out any regrets.

Sarath Varma.

************************************************************

I looked at that paper again,I wanted to read it again and again.I couldn't control my hands from shivering.

Sarath,looked at me.Took that paper from me,tore into pieces,put it in his shirts pocket.He sipped the coffee.I looked outside.It was drizzling in Thrissur.

"But Sarath,why?why did you write such a crap? don't tell me this is your prank,Ok let it be your prank,don't tell me you meant what ever you wrote.

"Joe I was serious,I was planning to die the first day I reached Mumbai,I had nobody to care about,not even your face came to my mind" Sarath said.

I dint know what to say,My whole body was shivering out of an unknown feeling,I felt like slapping him on his face.But his face,the pain in those eyes made me weak.I held his hand.

"Then..Then tell me what happened??

After writing this letter,what happened?what stopped you?

Hmm,he sighed.I finished this letter,I looked at my watch,It was almost 10 am,I was supposed to join next day,Monday.

I took out my posting order,I read it again,Then I got a call in my Madurai No.

"That was our Neeraj,He called me to tell that he was blessed with a cute little angel"

I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO ME.Our Neeraj,his cute little princess,

Neeraj's baby,that thought took me to some other world,I felt like seeing his little princess.

He sent me his baby's photo to my phone,I saw life Joe,I saw hope.In that smiling face I saw my angel.

One life came to this world making many happy.

Even I want a baby,a cute little angel,for the first time in my life,I felt the urge to live.

Any way I will be getting married soon,I took my parents to Mumbai,Took a flat there.

I saw hope in his clean shaved face,

Tomorrow I will leave for Mumbai

He paid the bill,hugged me tight got into the cab.

*************************************************************

My mind went back to that Sunday morning dream,I ran behind that person,he was gasping,I listened to his gasp,it has soon become a feeble cry,I looked close.That was my Sarath.

"Smoke ,David and Me"

“Joe, I am pregnant” ,her voice was shivering. I couldn’t move. I was running out of words.
“You got it confirmed? I asked.Yes, I met doctor yesterday evening, Sana told.
You went alone? I asked.
No Latha aunty was with me. Its the third month.
She sounded weak.I dint know what to say.

********************************************************
I met Manu for the first time in Bangalore.I had gone for my MBA interview. I was waiting for Sidharth ,My childhood friend in Forum Mall. Manu came with Sidhu.After his b.tech Sidhu reached Bangalore in search of an IT job. He was staying with Manu near Kormangala.Manu was a well paid Soft ware engineer. He looked like just another brick on the wall. Branded Tshirt,low waist jeans,sneakers,helmet in one hand,unruly hair, unshaven face. He looked like just another typical Bangalore Mallu.
After joining MBA My relation with Manu grew even with out my knowledge, I was a regular visitor in Sidhus and Manus flat. Manu was a night life fan. He used to take me for a ride through the colorful nights.We took me to pubs, night clubs,DJ’s.Manu spent money lavishly.I knew Sidhu for more than 10 years ,but with 2 or 3 months Manu became more closer. If Sidhu was cricket fan,Manu loved books.I could connect myself with Manus Thoughts.
I was surprised to see his book collection. If there is anything that I never encouraged Manu ,It was his habit of smoking. Manu was a Chain smoker, but to be frank,I loved to watch he smoking. He loved each and every puff, he was not just inhaling it, he loved each and every molecule of it.
Manu used to drink a lot.”Manu you shouldn’t drink and smoke like this dude”,I told him one day at Down Town pub.He looked deep into my eyes,gave a silly smile and blew the smoke on to my face.I coughed. Manu laughed,kept on laughing,his laughing slowly turned into tears.He started crying.I didn’t know what to say.Manu ,what happened man,Come on.Whats our issue,tell me bro.share”
He wiped off his tears,took a bottoms up.”I am cool da Joe.I love my job,Eversince I saw a computer in my childhood I wanted to be a soft ware engineer.I love sitting infront of it for hours.I love cracking codes,I love coding, decoding ,I love my job.You know I am a super techie.I love sipping coffee in between my work.I love smoking in between my breaks.I love my family.I have awesome friends.I have a wonderful life.I am blessed dude. Then why did you cry ?I asked.I don’t know,he sighed.I really don’t know da.Only you can understand what I say,even Sidhu wont.I feel incomplete,I feel sad,I don’t know the reason of my sadness.I smoke,I drink.I search for that missing element in this smoke,in these,I would have tried drugs long back.But I love my mom.I patted him,don’t even think like that Manu,You read a lot,you think a lot,you love music,you are creative,well that incomplete feeling even I have.But don’t be down .He hugged me.
Another day he took me to UB City,He introduced me to a girl. Joe this is Sana.I met Sana for the first time.Long curly hair, left cheek dimple, brown eyes. She looked cute.
Manu seemed more happy those days. He used to drink less. He used to call me every week. One day he called me and said.”Joe I am in love, I am no more incomplete. I don’t get time to seek answers for all questions brother. I got the answer. I love Sana”
He used to take Sana where ever we went,Pubs,malls,movies.they loved,cuddled,kissed infront of us.Manu forgot the world.
“We are getting married, you better be there “I got a letter along with Manus invitation card.
I was busy with a training, I couldn’t make it to Sana’s and Manu's wedding. But I wrapped a gift and sent it to them.

************************************************************

Sana how are you? I asked.
“Joe I was scared,I cant believe that I lived two months in this world with out Manu ,I can’t believe Manu is no more. I can see him standing in corner of the kitchen watching me making coffee. At night My room is filled with his cigarette smoke Joe. He is alive, he is with me. When I get up in the middle of night searching for him in the bed, he blows cigarette smoke onto my face. All are telling he is no more. But believe me Joe.He is here.he is listening to our conversation.Sana was weeping.
I know Sana,he is near.I know
I was afraid that everyone will force me for another rmarriage,I was afraid.But my Manu loved me so much,he did not leave me alone.His baby is growing inside my womb.My Manus baby.

*************************************************************
“Who is your favorite character in Bible Joe.Manu asked me.I was simply looking at the stars.Well I stumbled.I love David.Even I feel like him,weak,scared of that Goliath.I’m a weak Sheperd who owns just a harp.I am afraid of that Goliath Joe.Will my God give me stones to defeat him.”
I just smiled at him”

**************************************************************
Sana if it’s a boy you should name him David.I said.
I don’t know why,but I will Joe,cause Manu loved you so much.
She hung up.
Crosscut road was full of vehicles and crowd,I saw smokes from the vehicles covering the night.Behind the smoke.in the crowd I saw Manu walking towards me,He had a cigarette in his hand,He blew the smoke out,His unruly hair danced on his steps.He looked deep into my eyes.He winked at me.

Black forest and a cute girl.

“Hai Im Nevin ,Dr.Ria’s cousin.Can I meet you some time.” I looked at that FB message once again, clicked on his profile. I had never seen that boy before. What’s the matter Nevin?? I asked Its regarding a contest, If you could help me, could you please give me your contact no:.I got the reply soon. I gave Nevin my mobile number. Saturday 5 pm, as discussed over phone, Nevin was waiting for me in front of City Center. Hai Sir I’m Nevin,He introduced himself.hai Nevin, You can call me,Joe chettan (bhaiya) else call me Joe. Ok he smiled. Nevin was hardly 17,he was tall, broad shoulders, skinny body. His straight short spiked hairs would never need a comb; even a hurricane can’t change his hair style. His eyes reminded me of Aamir Khan in Qayamat se Qayamat tak. His specs didn’t give him a geek look. He was in his uniforms; His tie knot was loose and not properly tied. I remembered my school days and bicycle rides. Do you have classes on Saturday?? I asked. Special class. He replied. Did you have coffee, I asked. No he shrugged. K come. we moved to Wimbis coffee shop. He sat opposite to me. So tell me Nevin how can I help you? Chetta, There is an art festival in my school. I want to participate in English story writing and I need your help. Nevin who told you that I write?? I sipped my coffee and smiled . Ria aunty he replied. She told you write good stories and poems, she even showed me your blogs. So Dr.Ria is ??? I asked. My first cousin .he replied. Hmm and how old are you Nevin?? This Year I will be 17.he replied. Then how did you get a facebook profile. I asked. I gave a wrong DOB there. he said without any change in his facial expression. Hmm k,,so how can I help You in this story writing contest? The competition is after two weeks. So…so.. he stammer ed. So?? Tell me Nevin . So Could you please write one story for me. I will write it and I’m sure I will get the prize. He finished without looking at me. What?? I couldn’t believe what he told me. Are you serious? My voice became harsh. He started shivering. Look at me. Have you ever felt like writing anything. I asked. No!! he replied. Have you ever read any books other than your text books. Have you ever read any novels, short stories, poems?..look at me Nevin.Have you ever read anything. I became angry. No !!nhe looked at me and replied, he was scared. Then why do you want to be a story writer, to be a writer you should love books, you should have that motivation inside you. I told him Please, just give me one story, I need to participate in this. He replied. BOY I WAS 10 YEARS OLD WHEN YOU WERE BORN.DONT MESS WITH ME. My face turned red. You want a reward for some one elses work. Shame on you. You and your prize!!!. Just leave. Nevin’s eyes became wet, he was shivering like a rat in front of a cat.I don’t want the first prize. He started weeping. Then?? I asked. Nothing, I’m leaving. he took his bag.I asked him to sit down. He couldn’t control. He started crying. Nevin stop crying like a kid,tell me whats the issue.If you don’t want the prize then why do you want a story?? I sat next to him.He was still weeping. I just want to defeat some one. He replied. Who??and why?? I asked. There’s one girl, she always gets 1st prize for story writing and poetry, I just want to defeat her this time. Why?? I asked. Nothing,he wiped off his tears. Nevin ,don’t lie to me..Tell me why?? I don’t want the prize,I just want to impress her. I just want her attention. He replied. Look at me Nevin. He looked at my face,I smiled at him. You didn’t tell me “why” yet. He couldn’t believe that I was smiling. So you are not angry on me??he asked. Yes I am, I smiled, but you must tell me why you want her attention. I LIKE HER, He replied. Oh hmm. are you guys in the same class??I asked. Yes,since 9th std, but we never spoke. he replied Why??its like almost 2.5 years.I asked. Im scared, when she comes close, my heart beats fast, I cant breath, I don’t get words, I feel like my knees are shivering .he said. She doesn’t speak to guys?? I asked. Yea she speaks to every guy but me, she came to our school when I was in 9th, till then I hated all girls. But I don’t know, I started liking her. When all other guys went and talked to her, I was scared, but I talk to all other girls. Does she know that you like her ? I asked. Yes. I told this to one of my friends during the first week she came, and he published it. The news spread like wild fire, she doesn’t look at me after that. I feel like dying at times. I just like her. I can recollect all other girls’ face, but I cant recollect her face. I cant even look at her. Everybody makes fun out of me. I wanted to do computer science, but I took bio maths just cos she took bio maths.I don’t know what to do. She hates me. she is not even bothered about me. Nevin’s eyes became wet again. Whats your ambition Nevin??I asked.I want to be mechanical engineer. he replied.Hmm what was your tenth percentage?? 96% he replied. Good She doesn’t hate you Nevin,she has a special feeling for you, That’s why,she doesn’t talk to you. If she treats you like all other guys, she will talk to you. You are handsome, you got good marks. She likes you. I patted him. You sure??his eyes sparkled. Have you ever liked any girl like this, he asked. Ha ha many times boy…I replied K and about your story writing competition, in life never pretend to be some one else. Better be yourself. You never felt like writing anything,then how can you write?? Do you have any other talent, like do you act??No he replied. Dance, drawing, speech ,music?? Anything??i asked I have a guitar, I learned guitar when I was 4 and I sing in church choir, but im not the lead singer. I can’t sing. His voice was very gloomy. Boy, this world is a difficult place. People who lived by passion are the only ones who could do anything. So if you wanna impress her, impress her with your talent, not with some one else’s. Go home .you have 2 weeks to prepare, just think what you are good at, what can you do. and if you really want to impress her and you are not bothered about the prize, then break the rules ,do something for her in your way. And if you still think you need someone’s story to grab her attention, call me. And do watch some romantic movies too, I advised him. Ok,he replied, his mind was somewhere else. Please don’t tell all these to Ria aunty,he begged.I smiled, Don’t worry. He gave me shake hand and crossed the road. Took his bicycle and left. Today after 3 weeks, Nevin came to my bank at 5pm.Chetta could you please come out, he grinned. Two black forests, he told the bakery guy.hey man tell me what happened you didn’t call me, did you write story??I asked him. He just winked, the black forest came. Please have it, he said. I didn’t participate in story writing. Then??I asked. I practiced 2 weeks and I participated in light music, I went to the stage with my guitar ,I told this song is dedicated to a very special person in my life and I sang her favorite song “Pehala Nasha”..He winked again. Cool. You got prize?? I was curious.No I didn’t get,it was light music competiton, I had a guitar and I sang a movie song which was not permissible. But you only asked me to break the rules and impress her.he grinned. but I’m a famous singer in school now. Ok and its almost one week since this happened and now only you came to meet me.I asked. Tuesday she came and congratulated me, she told she never knew that I was such a good singer and guitarist. I talked to her for almost 15 minutes, that’s why I came to see you. If she hadn’t spoken, I wouldn’t have come to meet you. He smiled. Ha ha you smart ass. Nobody asked you who was that special person for whom the song was dedicated?? I asked. Yea many asked, even teachers.I told its my mom. He he… he laughed. I couldn’t stop laughing. But today I told her who that special person is . She smiled and walked away. And this black forest is my treat. I couldn’t control my happiness, I hugged him tight. I asked him, whats that cute girls name u bum?? Neetha ,,Neetha Theresa, he whispered in my ears.