Waiting for Mathew..

“You can’t love Jesus directly”

Sister Brigit said. All students in the Sunday school got surprised by that statement.
I was lost in my world. I was keeping my nose close to my shoulder and smelling my new t-shirt. But this statement kind of made me also surprised.
“You can love Jesus only by loving others” Sister smiled. I saw a great relief in many of the student’s face. Alex poked me,I looked down,he had all new WWF cards in his hand. But it was very difficult to cheat Sister Brigit’s eyes, so I controlled my excitement to see the cards.

If you are not loving your neighbors, your classmates, or your teachers, you will never be able to love Jesus, Sister continued. All of a sudden a face came to my mind. I looked back. At the last bench, extreme corner I saw Mathew. There was gap between Mathew and Allan. Not only Allan, everyone kept a distance with Mathew.

Mathew was not loved.

Sister, what if nobody loves a person? I asked. Sister Brigit came near to me. Looked deep into my eyes, with a deep smile she replied “JESUS WILL LOVE HIM THE MOST”.I looked at Mathew again, it took some time for me to digest the fact that Jesus loves Mathew the most.
******************************************************
That was the third Sunday school class in that academic year, being in 3rd std made us all feel like grown ups.Many of us were excited about the first holy communions, the written exams we will be going to face for the first time, the pencils and sharpeners we are going to use and many more.

That day Sister Brigit didn’t come alone to the class, there was a dark thin boy with her. He had dry curly hair, he was inhaling so hard to control his running nose. His shirt was shabby, unlike many of us, he was wearing short trousers. His knee was much darker than his leg. He looked untidy and ugly. I saw wonder and dislike in many of my classmates faces, but he was all relaxed. He was not all looking at the class, his eyes wandered through the walls and ceilings, as if this was first time he entered a big room.

“Kids, from today onwards, we have a new friend with us,Mathew. Mathew was in Idukki and now they have come to Kanjirapally,from today onwards Mathew will be with us.

Mathew came and sat next to Xavier, Xavier became restless. The whole class became restless. Mathew was considered as an outcast.
******************************************************
Joe, believe me Mathew will not go to heaven, Alex looked into the old church which is far away from our Sunday school and told. Alex was making bubbles from the chewing gum; he passed one chewing gum to me. Why Alex? I asked. See he is dark. He is ugly. You will find dark and ugly people in hell only. Don’t you What Brother showed us last week. The pictures of heaven and hell. Heaven is full of white and neat people. They won’t let Mathew in, Alex laughed. But Alex, that is just a picture .Haven’t you seen St.Martin’s sculpture in our charch,he is dark. I replied. But Alex was not ready to accept. He is not from English medium school ,he doesn’t know how to read English or hindi.He doesn’t have jeans .All his shirts are torn. If you become his friend. I will not be your friend and I will never share my bubble gums and cards with you anymore. I felt sad.

******************************************************
Everyone was leaving the Sunday school. Sister Brigit’s words echoed in my mind.”Jesus will love him the most”. The Omni van passed me, Alex waived his hands from inside. I smiled at him waived my hands. I made sure that Alex’s van vanished from the sight. I looked around for Mathew. I searched for him everywhere. I couldn’t find him. I thought of leaving and I suddenly saw Mathew near the grotto.

Hey Mathew, I called him. Mathew was not surprised as I thought. What happened Joe? He smiled and asked. No, nothing, how will you go to house, I asked. I will walk, Mathew replied. Is your house near? I asked. It is near to your school Mathew replied. Oh that is too long, you will walk? I was surprised. Yes I walk every day Mathew replied. You are not going home? Mathew asked, Yes I am, I replied but thought of talking to you. This is your new t-shirt right? Mathew asked. Yes my uncle gave me, by the way how do you know? I became curious. Rosy was telling to Maria, he replied. A hundred stars twinkled in my heart. Rosy was the most beautiful girl in my Sunday school. She had blue yes, golden hair and dimples. I couldn’t believe it. You are lying, how did you know she told that?. I asked.
Joe, I am sitting at the back ,she is just opposite to my seat, I overheard them speaking. He replied. My love to Mathew increased, I thanked all guys who avoided Mathew and made him sit at the back bench.

What is your father? I asked Mathew. He remained silent. My father is in heaven, Mathew replied.”Ayyo,then who will pay your fees, I asked? I don’t have fees, that is why I am not studying in English Medium. What about your Mother? I asked?Amma is a tailor, she makes shirts and blouses. We don’t have money. That is why we came to here. We are staying in Amma’s house now.

I felt sad; Mathew’s eyes were not filled. They were just cold.

I am going to the Church, Mathew said,Why?I aksed.Come I will show you, Mathew replied.

I followed Mathew, we entered the Church. There were many sculptures of Saints inside the Church. St.Francis with Pigeons and jackal, St.Peter with a rooster, St.Thomas with a speare. St.Rocky with a dog. We were interested in the animals and birds. Mathew walked slowly without making any sound. We reached to left corner of the church; There was big statue of St.John the Baptist. It was taller than us, Just behind that statue Mathew showed me a very small nest and a small bird inside that, Mathew asked to me not to make sound. He waited there. After a few minutes, the bird flew away through the window. Mathew’s eyes sparkled; we saw four small eggs in that nest. I smiled at Mathew.

That night I saw a dream, Mathew was wearing a white glowing gown, standing next to Jesus. Rosy was having the wings and she was behind Jesus. She smiled at me.
**********************************************************************
I became close to Mathew, I sat with him. Sister Brigit kissed my forehead for making Mathew as my friend. Though Alex did not like me being with Mathew, he still gave me chocolates and bubble gums. Once in a blue moon Rosy smiled at me, Along with Mathew, I waited till her esteem car vanished from my sight

Months passed by, Christmas was nearing, we all were excited. That Sunday Mathew didn’t come to Sunday school. I felt sad, but I tried to concentrate in the class. Allan told He saw Mathew outside.
Sister Brigit called me out; there was a guava tree near to the convent. I saw Mathew was standing there along with a lady. Sister asked me to go and meet him.

Mathew smiled at me, Joe I am going to another Sunday school, Mathew said. I couldn’t believe my ears, but why? I asked. He looked behind. His mother was talking to a sister in the veranda, he held my hand, walked bit more ,he said ”Amma is getting married”, we don’t have money na, so to get money and to make me engineer, Amma is getting married. We are going to their place next week.

I couldn’t understand whatever he told. But what would you call him, I asked. Amma is telling me to call him Appa, but Appa is already in heaven, I won’t call him anything, I might call him uncle.
“Mathew, shall we go”, his mother’s voice broke my heart.Wait,I am coming, Mathew screamed.

I will become engineer Joe, I will learn English and Hindi, I will buy blue jeans ,like the one you are wearing, I will buy Cielo car and Tata Estate.
Don’t tell anyone that I am going, you are my only friend. Mathew smiled at me, I was about to weep. Mathew put his hand into his trousers pocket; he took out 3 trump cards and gave it to me.

I will come to meet you in my car, he whispered in my ears.”But how? you don’t know my house, I asked him. There will be computer in my car, I will type your name and it will show your house. He replied. I found it so convincing.

Mathew left.
******************************************************
First Sunday school after Christmas holidays.

Every one left, Church.I slowly walked towards St.John’s statue,I looked behind the statue. There was an en empty nest hanging there, I looked all around to see that small bird and his kids. But they had already left the place.

In my dreams, I still see a Cielo car, with a white computer inside, finding the address and coming to my home.

Sarah

“Are you in town??,The whatsApp icon was blinking ,Sarah’s message.”Yep, I am, what’s the matter? I asked. Will you be free in the evening, by 4 or 5, need to talk. I read that message again. I was quite surprised, its almost 3 or 4 months since I talked to her. She hardly calls, or messages and what’s there to talk, that too in person. Can we discuss it over phone, or should we really meet??I asked.We need to meet, It cant be discussed over phone,only if you are free. 

Sarah never uses short forms or symbols while texting, she types full words, with proper commas, punctuations etc. Sarah is completely against email language, a conservative English lover who strongly believes that the sms and email versions of English are really an insult to such a great language. ”k ,but where?’’I asked.4pm restaurant in lulu conventional centre, she replied. I know this place very well, Its almost a 5 star restaurant.”Well, let it be 4.40 Sarah, I replied.”OK” I got her message.

The plan of spending a pleasant Saturday evening sipping coffee from Indian Coffee house and roaming around the temple premises of Vadamkunathan was spoiled. I took a lavish shower, the fragrance of the new aloe vera soap made me stand under the shower for a long time, I forgot Sarah,I forgot her long curly untied hair, I forgot her remorseless attitude towards the world, I forgot her so called dominating nature. I forgot her scaring stares towards the eyes which scanned her voluptuous physique. I forgot the world. I forgot myself.

Eminem’s Life in a fast lane woke me up from my ecstacy. Somebody is calling. I finished the shower soon.I took my phone .3missed calls. It was Faizal. I called him back, Joe I lost my internet banking password, can you help? Its already 4 Faizal, I’m not in the bank brother .Saturday right ? You come Monday morning. I replied. No issues no issues, hey bro if you free come home, wife is preparing mutton kuruma. Faizal, a customer cum friend knows my love for food. That’s a tempting offer, but I’m sorry Faizal, some other day, Today I’m busy. Ok then see you on Monday. He hung up.

Sarah was already there, Restaurant was almost empty, there was a Muslim family in a corner 7 or 8 members. I saw Sarah’s car outside, Red Honda brio. Her face was tanned, adding on the attitude. She gave me a wry smile, long curly hairs, sharp nose, brown dry lipstick, a kundan studded metal necklace,A white and peach shaded sleeveless tunic top and a floral printed low waist harem pants, a ray ban black wayfarer specs. The tribal tattoo on her deltoid was seen. Her looks never reveals her real age, She was too stylish and trendy for 31 year old lady. She was having black coffee.

You were in Thrissur? I asked her. Nopes, she took a lip balm from her purple pouch, applied it on her dry lips ,looked outside the window keeping the balm inside the pouch. I came to meet you. She looked into my eyes. Sarah’s superiority complex always irritated me, but I was never bothered. You could ‘ve told me yesterday. What if I was not in town? I asked. Relax Joe. If you were not here, I would go back, It just takes a 1.30 hours to drive back to Cochin, so no big deal. What would you like to have,? this time she had a genuine smile. They have Brazilian black coffee here, bit expensive, but worth the money I replied. Today the treat is on me, You can order anything and everything Sarah winked, but they dint tell me about the Brazilian coffee she frowned.

So tell me mam, what’s the matter? I asked. Well Mr. Joe Tom, This Sarah Issac Pullokaran is leaving the tiring, de motivating and depressing City and flying to Madrid. I got my job confirmed. So I’m flying this Sunday. She finished it dramatically. Is she excited, but I could feel something burning in her mind. Well that’s great news, whats the job? I asked.

Ryan Ghosh, my friends brother has a creative agency there in Madrid, so from a brand manager from cochin to creative head in Madrid. She chuckled,and if I need your help again in something, I’ll call you. She winked again.No, I stopped that service ,I made a face. Creativity is not something you get for free, every time you call me and discuss about your ad themes, your script an takes my valuable suggestion and gets your pocket filled and I’m not paid even a single penny. I said.

LOL,HA HA she started laughing loud,oh baba that’s why I’m here today, to treat you for all your valuable services. he he,we both laughed. She couldn’t stop laughing, her laughter filled her eyes, slowly slowly her laughter was fading and I saw real tears in her eyes, her kajal was rolling down her cheeks along with the tears, its no more laughter, Sarah is crying.Hey Sarah, come on man what happend, is everything ok? I touched her arm,it was cold. 

Sarah took a tissue paper and wiped off her tears, I miss my Dad Joe, she was weeping, her voice shivered, I have never ever, not even in my wildest dreams imagined Sarah being weak like this. What happened to him??I was curious. Nothing Joe ,Its almost 6 years since I met him, since I talked to him. But why Sarah.??

I have always been an egoistic girl in my life,I got everything I wanted through my hard work.I was a rebel everywhere, My achievements made me more strong and cold. I was born and bought up in Delhi. Dad got transferred to Bangalore when I was doing my PUC. After that I went back delhi. Dad wanted me to get married soon after I finished college. I was not ready, I was not ready to change my life style or comforts for someone else. I was so firm and I decided I wouldn’t marry until I find someone who doesn’t want me to change my ways and believes.

I sipped my coffee. Sarah paused,she looked outside, took a deep breath. I felt like she was inhaling the old memories.

And then I found Charan. Charan was just like me, He was an architect, he was ambitious, career oriented ,he gave me my space. He was a North Indian Hindu and we decided to live together. We took an apartment in Delhi and started living together.
Dad was completely against the marriage when I told about Charan.I don’t know whether its the inter caste or the interstate, but Dad was completely against it and when I told him we already started living together, he was shattered. That day I left home.

Long Six years. She couldn’t control. I won’t blame Him Sarah,I nodded my head. Neither would I. Sarah gasped.

But its ok Sarah, You have got your perfect partner right? Nothing is free in this world, You had your love at one side and your family at the other side, and it’s all about priorities and you had chosen yours. You should be strong enough to live with the consequences of the decisions you take in your life. Its law of nature. Its the law of life.
You are right Joe, law of life. She smiled, she wiped of her dry tears from her face.
Forget everything, You have a family right, your husband, we never discussed all these things, your kids, thats your world. Live that life. By the way are they coming with you to Madrid?I asked.

She smiled the same old wry smile. Sarah opened her leather bag, took out few papers and gave it to me.

I don’t know what went through my head when I read it. I looked at Sarah,I was perplexed.

I GOT DIVORCED JOE...last Friday. It didn’t work.

There was no coffee left in my cup.

Tell me the Woman’s name you love most in this world. Sarah asked.
My Mom, I smiled.
I don’t have a kid to say so. She said, her face was so cold.

We stood near her car

Joe ,I don’t want to come back to India, but I don’t know what will happen. I don’t have anybody here. I have annoyed you a lot in many ways, but you have always been nice to me. You have always been a great friend, she paused. You know I wouldn’t drive from Cochin to Thrissur to just see some one who helped me in creating some ads or scripts. I mean it.

All the best Sarah

She came close to me and hugged me. Find a cute girl Joe; it’s a great feeling to love and to be loved. She whispered in my ears. She patted me.

The car vanished.

I had a whole night left, but I had no clue what to do

                                                              

Aarathi

"I looked around ,I couldn't find anyone,but I could clearly hear some one gasping,I saw some one running behind the walls,his shadow has fallen upon me either.I took all my courage ,I took a deep breath,I wanted to call some one but my voice got stuck up in my throat,I rolled up my sleeves,stayed calm for a while ,now that gasping is becoming weak,I concentrated.I could hear some one crying,some one gasping for breath"

A loud song pieced my ears,I woke up from that deadly dream,it took me few seconds to realize that my phone was ringing

Neeraj Dilli Calling....

"hello",my voice was quivering

"Joe,man where are you" Neeraj sounded excited

"Coimbatore only man,how you"?

"I have become dad man,I have become dad"Neeraj shouted.

"hey congrtaz bro,great news,though I was not in a mood to receive such a good news,I pretended so.Boy or girl??I asked

"Princess man,Princess,he laughed.

"He he wow,hmm hows Megha I asked.

Mom and daughter, both are fine..any way I will call you later man,gotta call many.

He was about to hang up.

Hey Neeraj listen,,I shouted.

What Joe?He asked.

Did you call Sarath?I don't from where his name came to my mind.

No,but I will,Right now I will call. Neeraj said.

I looked at the mobile.

09.52 am. 26-05-2013-Sunday

I was sleeping like a log,late night movie,drenched bike rides,food from railway station,phone calls,Saturday night was heavy.

One weeks hectic and tight schedules are converted into deep sleeps disturbed by weird dreams.I started feeling hungry.There is nothing to eat in my kitchen.Few empty Tropicana juice packets and hide and seek biscuit covers.Need to get up,get fresh,to dive into yet another lazy Sunday mornings.

*********************************************************************************

26th May 2013

Mumbai

Dear...

I have never seen Mumbai before,this is my first day in this big city.I have seen this big railway station in all most all Hindi Movies,This Chatrapaji Shivaji Terminal.From this coffee shop,where I sit now,I can see this Building clearly,I love this view.

First of all,this is not a suicide note,neither the last words of a loser.I have never had my words.I had never thought of death till this day.

Some how I was getting adjusted to Madurai,I never loved Tamil Nadu,to be precise I never loved any place other than Kolkata,I never loved any room than my dormitory in that Anglo Indian School,I never loved anyone more than Sister Jovan. I have vague memories about Kolkata,at the age of 11,I was taken from there.But for me Its my home,Its the only place which owns my soul.I wish I could see Sister Jovan again,for me my parents are just strangers,strangers who paid a visit once in a blue moon,who plucked me from a beautiful garden and planted in a desolate land

Madurai made me feel like an alien in the beginning,scorching sun,crowded streets,smell of jasmine and sandal,stray dogs,people with big mustache and red eyes,ramshackle food stalls,shouting drivers,screaming ladies.Slowly but steadily,as usual I became a lenient loser who couldn't resist or protest.Though my company gives me Rs 7500 per month for stay,I somehow managed in a small apartment in the first floor of a building nearby the temple road.One small room,a small fibre table and a plastic chair,One attached bathroom without light,for that,a very small kitchen where its difficult for am extremely thin person to stand or move.I had pay an advance of Rs 20000/- and a monthly rent of Rs.4500/-.I had to buy bulb for toilet,buckets,mug,hangers and many more stuffs to lead a normal life.

As I never loved my work ,I was not bothered about a much more big and convenient room I could get with that 7500 Rs.

I could never connect with anything or anyone in that place.The cold idli,loose sambar,the temple mantras,the 80 year old house owner lady,the lengthy ques for drinking water,the frequent power cuts,the mosquito,the shouting drunkards,the smell from the slums nearby,all these have become a part of my life.I was not bothered about my thin body which dint have the required weight,I was not bothered about the growing hair and beard which made me look like a sage.I forgot my facebook and gmail passwords.My phone hardly rang.Once in a week Mom calls to make sure that I am alive,Dad asks about work and promotions.Slowly Madurai has become my place.Nothing could tempt me there,nothing attracted me there.All I did without any fail was to smoke,smoke and smoke.I dint go for shopping,I dint go for movies.

My day started at 7.30 am with a cigarette,work from 9 am to 8 pm,sleepless nights and cigarettes. The pale tall wife of that gigantic neighbor used to smile at me,when ever I go to the terrace with cigarettes,she comes out,smiles at me.She is beautiful ,young,but I just smiled back.

I never expected I would get a transfer to this big city,I never expected I would take a train to Mumbai.

I never thought of a life outside Madurai,I don't know why I didn't.

Last night,on my way to Mumbai.I realized one thing.I don't have any purpose in this world.My life doesn't matter to anyone.The only place where I felt life was my cold dormitory inside that stone walls.

I am going to die,after I finish this coffee,I will pay 500 Rs to the guy who supplied me this coffee,he looks much energetic and lively than me.Then I will walk to the near by hotel,book a room and I will say good bye to this world.

I am not sad,neither happy.not satisfied neither depressed.I feel content.Mom and Dad will cry,for few months.There is no girl to wait for me.My company will not lose anything either.My death wont create any gaps.Everything will be the same.The only person whose gonna cry for me is my neighbor's tall,pale wife.

Nobody is responsible for anything in my life ,other than my birth.

My decisions,my life and it is ending here.

With out any regrets.

Sarath Varma.

************************************************************

I looked at that paper again,I wanted to read it again and again.I couldn't control my hands from shivering.

Sarath,looked at me.Took that paper from me,tore into pieces,put it in his shirts pocket.He sipped the coffee.I looked outside.It was drizzling in Thrissur.

"But Sarath,why?why did you write such a crap? don't tell me this is your prank,Ok let it be your prank,don't tell me you meant what ever you wrote.

"Joe I was serious,I was planning to die the first day I reached Mumbai,I had nobody to care about,not even your face came to my mind" Sarath said.

I dint know what to say,My whole body was shivering out of an unknown feeling,I felt like slapping him on his face.But his face,the pain in those eyes made me weak.I held his hand.

"Then..Then tell me what happened??

After writing this letter,what happened?what stopped you?

Hmm,he sighed.I finished this letter,I looked at my watch,It was almost 10 am,I was supposed to join next day,Monday.

I took out my posting order,I read it again,Then I got a call in my Madurai No.

"That was our Neeraj,He called me to tell that he was blessed with a cute little angel"

I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO ME.Our Neeraj,his cute little princess,

Neeraj's baby,that thought took me to some other world,I felt like seeing his little princess.

He sent me his baby's photo to my phone,I saw life Joe,I saw hope.In that smiling face I saw my angel.

One life came to this world making many happy.

Even I want a baby,a cute little angel,for the first time in my life,I felt the urge to live.

Any way I will be getting married soon,I took my parents to Mumbai,Took a flat there.

I saw hope in his clean shaved face,

Tomorrow I will leave for Mumbai

He paid the bill,hugged me tight got into the cab.

*************************************************************

My mind went back to that Sunday morning dream,I ran behind that person,he was gasping,I listened to his gasp,it has soon become a feeble cry,I looked close.That was my Sarath.

"Smoke ,David and Me"

“Joe, I am pregnant” ,her voice was shivering. I couldn’t move. I was running out of words.
“You got it confirmed? I asked.Yes, I met doctor yesterday evening, Sana told.
You went alone? I asked.
No Latha aunty was with me. Its the third month.
She sounded weak.I dint know what to say.

********************************************************
I met Manu for the first time in Bangalore.I had gone for my MBA interview. I was waiting for Sidharth ,My childhood friend in Forum Mall. Manu came with Sidhu.After his b.tech Sidhu reached Bangalore in search of an IT job. He was staying with Manu near Kormangala.Manu was a well paid Soft ware engineer. He looked like just another brick on the wall. Branded Tshirt,low waist jeans,sneakers,helmet in one hand,unruly hair, unshaven face. He looked like just another typical Bangalore Mallu.
After joining MBA My relation with Manu grew even with out my knowledge, I was a regular visitor in Sidhus and Manus flat. Manu was a night life fan. He used to take me for a ride through the colorful nights.We took me to pubs, night clubs,DJ’s.Manu spent money lavishly.I knew Sidhu for more than 10 years ,but with 2 or 3 months Manu became more closer. If Sidhu was cricket fan,Manu loved books.I could connect myself with Manus Thoughts.
I was surprised to see his book collection. If there is anything that I never encouraged Manu ,It was his habit of smoking. Manu was a Chain smoker, but to be frank,I loved to watch he smoking. He loved each and every puff, he was not just inhaling it, he loved each and every molecule of it.
Manu used to drink a lot.”Manu you shouldn’t drink and smoke like this dude”,I told him one day at Down Town pub.He looked deep into my eyes,gave a silly smile and blew the smoke on to my face.I coughed. Manu laughed,kept on laughing,his laughing slowly turned into tears.He started crying.I didn’t know what to say.Manu ,what happened man,Come on.Whats our issue,tell me bro.share”
He wiped off his tears,took a bottoms up.”I am cool da Joe.I love my job,Eversince I saw a computer in my childhood I wanted to be a soft ware engineer.I love sitting infront of it for hours.I love cracking codes,I love coding, decoding ,I love my job.You know I am a super techie.I love sipping coffee in between my work.I love smoking in between my breaks.I love my family.I have awesome friends.I have a wonderful life.I am blessed dude. Then why did you cry ?I asked.I don’t know,he sighed.I really don’t know da.Only you can understand what I say,even Sidhu wont.I feel incomplete,I feel sad,I don’t know the reason of my sadness.I smoke,I drink.I search for that missing element in this smoke,in these,I would have tried drugs long back.But I love my mom.I patted him,don’t even think like that Manu,You read a lot,you think a lot,you love music,you are creative,well that incomplete feeling even I have.But don’t be down .He hugged me.
Another day he took me to UB City,He introduced me to a girl. Joe this is Sana.I met Sana for the first time.Long curly hair, left cheek dimple, brown eyes. She looked cute.
Manu seemed more happy those days. He used to drink less. He used to call me every week. One day he called me and said.”Joe I am in love, I am no more incomplete. I don’t get time to seek answers for all questions brother. I got the answer. I love Sana”
He used to take Sana where ever we went,Pubs,malls,movies.they loved,cuddled,kissed infront of us.Manu forgot the world.
“We are getting married, you better be there “I got a letter along with Manus invitation card.
I was busy with a training, I couldn’t make it to Sana’s and Manu's wedding. But I wrapped a gift and sent it to them.

************************************************************

Sana how are you? I asked.
“Joe I was scared,I cant believe that I lived two months in this world with out Manu ,I can’t believe Manu is no more. I can see him standing in corner of the kitchen watching me making coffee. At night My room is filled with his cigarette smoke Joe. He is alive, he is with me. When I get up in the middle of night searching for him in the bed, he blows cigarette smoke onto my face. All are telling he is no more. But believe me Joe.He is here.he is listening to our conversation.Sana was weeping.
I know Sana,he is near.I know
I was afraid that everyone will force me for another rmarriage,I was afraid.But my Manu loved me so much,he did not leave me alone.His baby is growing inside my womb.My Manus baby.

*************************************************************
“Who is your favorite character in Bible Joe.Manu asked me.I was simply looking at the stars.Well I stumbled.I love David.Even I feel like him,weak,scared of that Goliath.I’m a weak Sheperd who owns just a harp.I am afraid of that Goliath Joe.Will my God give me stones to defeat him.”
I just smiled at him”

**************************************************************
Sana if it’s a boy you should name him David.I said.
I don’t know why,but I will Joe,cause Manu loved you so much.
She hung up.
Crosscut road was full of vehicles and crowd,I saw smokes from the vehicles covering the night.Behind the smoke.in the crowd I saw Manu walking towards me,He had a cigarette in his hand,He blew the smoke out,His unruly hair danced on his steps.He looked deep into my eyes.He winked at me.

Black forest and a cute girl.

“Hai Im Nevin ,Dr.Ria’s cousin.Can I meet you some time.” I looked at that FB message once again, clicked on his profile. I had never seen that boy before. What’s the matter Nevin?? I asked Its regarding a contest, If you could help me, could you please give me your contact no:.I got the reply soon. I gave Nevin my mobile number. Saturday 5 pm, as discussed over phone, Nevin was waiting for me in front of City Center. Hai Sir I’m Nevin,He introduced himself.hai Nevin, You can call me,Joe chettan (bhaiya) else call me Joe. Ok he smiled. Nevin was hardly 17,he was tall, broad shoulders, skinny body. His straight short spiked hairs would never need a comb; even a hurricane can’t change his hair style. His eyes reminded me of Aamir Khan in Qayamat se Qayamat tak. His specs didn’t give him a geek look. He was in his uniforms; His tie knot was loose and not properly tied. I remembered my school days and bicycle rides. Do you have classes on Saturday?? I asked. Special class. He replied. Did you have coffee, I asked. No he shrugged. K come. we moved to Wimbis coffee shop. He sat opposite to me. So tell me Nevin how can I help you? Chetta, There is an art festival in my school. I want to participate in English story writing and I need your help. Nevin who told you that I write?? I sipped my coffee and smiled . Ria aunty he replied. She told you write good stories and poems, she even showed me your blogs. So Dr.Ria is ??? I asked. My first cousin .he replied. Hmm and how old are you Nevin?? This Year I will be 17.he replied. Then how did you get a facebook profile. I asked. I gave a wrong DOB there. he said without any change in his facial expression. Hmm k,,so how can I help You in this story writing contest? The competition is after two weeks. So…so.. he stammer ed. So?? Tell me Nevin . So Could you please write one story for me. I will write it and I’m sure I will get the prize. He finished without looking at me. What?? I couldn’t believe what he told me. Are you serious? My voice became harsh. He started shivering. Look at me. Have you ever felt like writing anything. I asked. No!! he replied. Have you ever read any books other than your text books. Have you ever read any novels, short stories, poems?..look at me Nevin.Have you ever read anything. I became angry. No !!nhe looked at me and replied, he was scared. Then why do you want to be a story writer, to be a writer you should love books, you should have that motivation inside you. I told him Please, just give me one story, I need to participate in this. He replied. BOY I WAS 10 YEARS OLD WHEN YOU WERE BORN.DONT MESS WITH ME. My face turned red. You want a reward for some one elses work. Shame on you. You and your prize!!!. Just leave. Nevin’s eyes became wet, he was shivering like a rat in front of a cat.I don’t want the first prize. He started weeping. Then?? I asked. Nothing, I’m leaving. he took his bag.I asked him to sit down. He couldn’t control. He started crying. Nevin stop crying like a kid,tell me whats the issue.If you don’t want the prize then why do you want a story?? I sat next to him.He was still weeping. I just want to defeat some one. He replied. Who??and why?? I asked. There’s one girl, she always gets 1st prize for story writing and poetry, I just want to defeat her this time. Why?? I asked. Nothing,he wiped off his tears. Nevin ,don’t lie to me..Tell me why?? I don’t want the prize,I just want to impress her. I just want her attention. He replied. Look at me Nevin. He looked at my face,I smiled at him. You didn’t tell me “why” yet. He couldn’t believe that I was smiling. So you are not angry on me??he asked. Yes I am, I smiled, but you must tell me why you want her attention. I LIKE HER, He replied. Oh hmm. are you guys in the same class??I asked. Yes,since 9th std, but we never spoke. he replied Why??its like almost 2.5 years.I asked. Im scared, when she comes close, my heart beats fast, I cant breath, I don’t get words, I feel like my knees are shivering .he said. She doesn’t speak to guys?? I asked. Yea she speaks to every guy but me, she came to our school when I was in 9th, till then I hated all girls. But I don’t know, I started liking her. When all other guys went and talked to her, I was scared, but I talk to all other girls. Does she know that you like her ? I asked. Yes. I told this to one of my friends during the first week she came, and he published it. The news spread like wild fire, she doesn’t look at me after that. I feel like dying at times. I just like her. I can recollect all other girls’ face, but I cant recollect her face. I cant even look at her. Everybody makes fun out of me. I wanted to do computer science, but I took bio maths just cos she took bio maths.I don’t know what to do. She hates me. she is not even bothered about me. Nevin’s eyes became wet again. Whats your ambition Nevin??I asked.I want to be mechanical engineer. he replied.Hmm what was your tenth percentage?? 96% he replied. Good She doesn’t hate you Nevin,she has a special feeling for you, That’s why,she doesn’t talk to you. If she treats you like all other guys, she will talk to you. You are handsome, you got good marks. She likes you. I patted him. You sure??his eyes sparkled. Have you ever liked any girl like this, he asked. Ha ha many times boy…I replied K and about your story writing competition, in life never pretend to be some one else. Better be yourself. You never felt like writing anything,then how can you write?? Do you have any other talent, like do you act??No he replied. Dance, drawing, speech ,music?? Anything??i asked I have a guitar, I learned guitar when I was 4 and I sing in church choir, but im not the lead singer. I can’t sing. His voice was very gloomy. Boy, this world is a difficult place. People who lived by passion are the only ones who could do anything. So if you wanna impress her, impress her with your talent, not with some one else’s. Go home .you have 2 weeks to prepare, just think what you are good at, what can you do. and if you really want to impress her and you are not bothered about the prize, then break the rules ,do something for her in your way. And if you still think you need someone’s story to grab her attention, call me. And do watch some romantic movies too, I advised him. Ok,he replied, his mind was somewhere else. Please don’t tell all these to Ria aunty,he begged.I smiled, Don’t worry. He gave me shake hand and crossed the road. Took his bicycle and left. Today after 3 weeks, Nevin came to my bank at 5pm.Chetta could you please come out, he grinned. Two black forests, he told the bakery guy.hey man tell me what happened you didn’t call me, did you write story??I asked him. He just winked, the black forest came. Please have it, he said. I didn’t participate in story writing. Then??I asked. I practiced 2 weeks and I participated in light music, I went to the stage with my guitar ,I told this song is dedicated to a very special person in my life and I sang her favorite song “Pehala Nasha”..He winked again. Cool. You got prize?? I was curious.No I didn’t get,it was light music competiton, I had a guitar and I sang a movie song which was not permissible. But you only asked me to break the rules and impress her.he grinned. but I’m a famous singer in school now. Ok and its almost one week since this happened and now only you came to meet me.I asked. Tuesday she came and congratulated me, she told she never knew that I was such a good singer and guitarist. I talked to her for almost 15 minutes, that’s why I came to see you. If she hadn’t spoken, I wouldn’t have come to meet you. He smiled. Ha ha you smart ass. Nobody asked you who was that special person for whom the song was dedicated?? I asked. Yea many asked, even teachers.I told its my mom. He he… he laughed. I couldn’t stop laughing. But today I told her who that special person is . She smiled and walked away. And this black forest is my treat. I couldn’t control my happiness, I hugged him tight. I asked him, whats that cute girls name u bum?? Neetha ,,Neetha Theresa, he whispered in my ears.

Sunset and Mojito

So we meet again he smiled.4th time I was meeting him in Goa.Chapora Fort,Calangute Cafe Coffee day,Tittos lane n Now at Rex's Beach shack in Baga Beach.I extended my hand towards him,"Joe" I said.Just Joe?? he shook my hands firmly.Joe Thomas I replied.They will call you Joe Tom in U.S he said."Johny" he smiled.Just Johny?? I asked.Ha ha Johny W Joseph, he answered.Please have your seat he smiled .I pulled back the chair,they will call you Johny Hosse in Texas,I winked.He laughed,have u ever been to Texas?? He asked.I shrugged ,nope.What about you? I asked.Yup I was there for 6 months. Whats this "W" in your name??I asked.Oh its Wayne.My full name is Johny Wayne Joseph.I will call u Wayne?? i asked.Oh sure ,nobody calls me Wayne.Friends call me John,Colleagues call me Mr.Joseph.but nobody calls me Wayne. Beer?? he raised his Budweiser can and asked.No thanks ,I will go for a juice.I picked the menu card.Many names sounded strange,the waiter came close to us,one Mojito with out alcohol,I said.That was the first time I was going to have a Mojito. Its called Nojito or Virgin Mojito,Wayne said. What ?? I dint get what said.A Mojito with out alcohol,he said. Where are your friends?? he asked.I pointed my hand towards the left.You see that green Heineken flag?there is a shack,Sam's restaurant,we were doing water sports.Now tired,they must be having food.I just thought of walking through this beach.Good,he smiled, closed his Mac book, raised his head.You are not here for a vacation I guess are you??I asked. Why?? he asked.Well hardly find anyone with laptop,excel sheets,and ppts in a Goan beach.more over you are alone,no girl friend,no friends. So....I didn't finish that sentence.Cool. nice observation.I'm actually on my vacation,but I have few tasks, in fact I'm in search of some thing dude.He looked the evening sun.Blue sleeveless t shirt with tantric designs ,ash shorts.I saw something in his eyes behind that spectacles. Interesting,If you don't mind,may I know,what you searching for??I asked.He looked in to my eyes.He didn't speak.After a pause he said.Your friends must be waiting for you.Its a long story.Its 4.15pm.We have time up to 6,I smiled.After that what plans?Wayne asked.Nothing much,will go room,take a bath,will get ready.Dinner at a Beach shack at Baga,They have candle lights and guitarists,we have booked the tables.Then Disc at Tittos Club.That's it.Nice plan,How long will you be here in Goa he asked.We came Yesterday morning,3 More days we will be here. K why do you want to know about me?? he asked,this time his voice was firm.well I love to hear about others,especially if I don't know them.I said.What will you get. he asked?? My Nojito had come,Ice cubes,lime juice and green leaves.Cheers, he raised his beer can n touched my glass.See Mr.Wayne,this is Goa,life revolves and rotates around beaches,I see the same persons at different places,many of them.I see them at restaurants, forts,pubs,beaches,lanes,churches.You are not the only person whom I saw more than twice.First we saw at Fort Chapora,I liked your Tattoo,that's the reason I looked at you.Even you looked at me.Then we met at Cafe coffee day,When we left you looked at me,I smiled,you raised your left hand.Then again at Tittos lane,we both smiled.Now here.You don't look like a stranger Wayne.If you did, I wouldn't come and sit with you.If you feel like sharing you can,else we can finish this drink and I will just push off. He smiled,Chill dude.I'm an investment banker,working in Singapore..Excuse me I intruded,before that I would like to know about this tattoo.Ha ha what you wanna know he asked.Why this tattoo??Jesus crying in the Gesthemane gardens?? Yup..he paused,why did you like this tattoo? he asked.Well I liked it cos,even Jesus felt pain,even he prayed,even he cried.He was God,He could have avoided this pain and suffering,But he boldly faced it.I paused. Exactly Joe,Exactly,even I connect my self with Jesus in Gesthemene, Powerful ,yet he cries.I saw his eyes sparkling,is that tear??I dint ask.You are spiritual?? yup. he smiled.Are you Goan I asked.Hmmm..My granddads father is Portuguese, He married a Goan Lady ,My grand dad migrated to Delhi,So if you ask me,I'm half Portuguese,half Indian,half Goan,half Dilli.K then tell me about your Job. I work as an investment banker in Singapore,now on my vacation.This August I will put my resignation notice,and by December I'll leave Singapore,Why?? you got another Job?? I was curious..Hmm not exactly..I told u na..I'm in search of something..I have a dream,I'm behind that.he smiled.What dream?? I couldn't wait.Wait,he opened his Laptop,I sipped my Mojito,Waiter brought Chicken Nuggets.He turned the laptop screen towards me,A beautiful young lady.That was what i was expecting.But I was wrong,a power point presentation,he clicked on it. Front view of a restaurant,an amazing design,as I changed the slides I saw the interiors,the financial and marketing plans,the branding strategies,the designs.A restaurant? I asked.Yup, my dream.A restaurant in my great grandmothers land,a restaurant in a place where people come to forget everything,a restaurant in Goa,a restaurant where people come, not just to eat and drink,where people come to live,love,share,a restaurant with people can connect themselves.You sound so passionate.I said.Yes I am dude that's why I'm going to quit a super duper job. Your family,I mean your parents ,are they ok with this?I asked.Yes,Dad knows it.Good. so you must have saved enough money for this?? Hmm I worked for 12 years,this was my dream.I finished all my responsibilities.I saved for my family,even if I'm dead,my family wont face any probs..:) he winked.Now I'm on my own,time to live my life. How old are you?? I asked with out any shame.I have this problem,I'm curious about others age.34 He replied.You married?.I asked.Nup he replied.May I ask you why??,Joe if you love something,you have to sacrifice equal things for it.I dint get that,if you could full fill all your duties,If you could do this much,then I don't think marriage is a big deal,My voice was loud.Joe there are points where you have to fight yourself for two equally important things.You cant have both,one you have to sacrifice.No options left. So you had an affair?? I asked.Hmm he paused for a while.Yes it was not just an affair,we had decided to live together. Nitha is from your place,Chennai.he said.Hey I'm not from Chennai,I'm from Kerala I protested.I mean South da.he laughed.She was an interior designer,We met in London,fell in love,we both planned to live together,she was the perfect girl.We loved for 4 long years.She always assured me that,what ever steps I take in my life,what ever decisions I take,she would be with me.I never told her about my dream,I just wanted to surprise her.Her last birthday I planned to give her three surprises.I bought a flat in Delhi,just for two of us. I bought a diamond ring.On her birthday,I proposed her,she was crying she hugged me tight,kissed me.I gave her our flat's key,she couldn't believe herself.That night after the party,we went for a walk.I gave her the third surprise,I told her about my dream,I told her that Im going to quit my job.That didn't surprise her.In fact she was shocked.She asked whether Im serious.When I said yes,she said she needs time to think.One week we discussed about this.At last she told ,she cant think of marrying a restaurant owner.She wants to work,she preferred an investment banker to a hotel owner.I was shocked.her promises her assurance...he didn't finish. Then??? I was curious.We mutually parted.he sighed.Do you think You did the right thing??Its about priorities ryt?? I asked.Yes .It is.It still hurts me.but she loved me,but she couldn't love me completely.If I drop this dream to marry her,I may not be hurt,but I will regret,Now I feel the pain,I'm hurt.but I don't regret.He answered,I'm gonna sell that flat in Delhi.He smiled.His eyes were wet. Its 5.45,you gotta go right?? I stood up,nice meeting you Wayne.I shook his hand,he stood up.I will tell your story to my friends Wayne.How?? he chuckled.I don't know,I replied.But Ill definitely tell my friends. At least a few people will love you for your dreams,at least a few will pray for you brother.At least a few eyes will be wet thinking about your love.I hugged him,he patted my shoulder.I walked."Hey Joe" I stopped ,turned back.Take care of yourself man, he said.You too I smiled and walked towards Sam's restaurant. Krishnan and Jeswin were discussing something and laughing,Martin was sipping his beer and checking the photos we had taken,Jithin was settling the bills.Lets go,Its almost 6,where have you been Jithin asked.I dint answer.Louis, our driver was waiting outside.As the van moved I saw gypsies and lovers walking through the lane.Among these thousands of people I saw him. Some where far,I saw a birthday party,Wayne was waiting there with a diamond ring for some one.

November Rain

So hw do you know Mr.Verma???? Thanu sat on that black bean bag and asked.Mr.Verma???? It sounds so Old.he is hardly 32,i would prefer calling him Anand. I replied.Anand is shallow.Verma has got a punch. she smiled,but i found that smile too artificial.Well I met him on a shoot,he was working for my friends company's ad shoot. i replied. So you are from Calicut?? she asked.No I'm from Alleppey.But your Bikes no: KL11??? she was confused.K bad guess, i smiled.That's my room mates bike,he is from Calicut.Then you must be having a car,Thanu asked. Thanu its not your day i guess,Your guesses are going so wrong..i don't have a car,actually i don't own anything,i prefer using things, not owning them..like for rent,OWNERSHIP IS A HEAD ACHE, i smiled.Hmm. she maintained silence and replied."well said" . She was wearing a white kurta with green flowers ,a white leggings,curly hair,carelessly tied..wooden and metal jewelery... That was most beautiful drawing room i have ever seen in Thrissur. So tell me Joe.what can i do for you??she asked leaning back.I felt so uncomfortable in that velvet sofa.I don't know ,Ananad gave me your address & contact no: and asked me to meet you.I must be the worlds most embarrassed guest who doesnt know the purpose of his visit. K cool,ill call him she told,and stood up,walked towards the dining table to take her phone.By the way how old is your association with Verma,she asked. Hmm 9 or 10 months,i replied.Hmm that's it?? wonder in her voice,I know Verma for the last 7 years,he never sent any body to me,or never introduced me to any body saying that "he is my friend". Yea i remember,he dint tell me that your are his friend,he just asked me to meet a person called Thanu.I replied.She didn't like me insulting her long 7 years association with my 10 months association. You are over smart,she said.I know i smiled. He is not reachable,any way i have messaged him,so once he gets the message he will call back.Mean while i will get you some juice,she walked towards the fridge.Excuse me Thanu,She paused,Yes."Well if you don't mind ,can i get a cup of strong black coffee,i asked with out any shame. God ,you are the first demanding guest i have ever seen,U know why i offered juice?coz its already prepared.I'm too lazy. "You just show me the kitchen I'll make it by myself. i smiled.No I'm not that rude,any way you come to he kitchen,i don't know what you mean by strong coffee. You are a bad cook i guess,i said.May I know why?Thanu asked me adjusting the knob of her coffee maker.Its obvious ,your kitchen shows it. Some more sugar please,i smiled.May be one table spoon more.That's gonna be very sweet,i guess you said strong she replied. I like it strong and sweet. i said You are a photographer??she asked ,No i replied.Then painter??..well i do paint but thats not my profession. i said.Then why would he sent you to me??she murmured. So how old are you Thanu,i asked sipping my coffee.She was shocked. Hows that gonna affect you?? she sounded harsh.Well I'm just curious,i smiled.I don't reveal certain informations to Strangers,she replied.I don't mind what strangers think about me,i replied.Thanu looked at me.Im sorry Joe i didn't mean that,but... Dont worry Thanu,what ever you speak or do to me ,that will never affect your relation with Ananad,you can be rude if u wanna be. I didnt mean that,Thanu said.K My age is the problem right?? You guess.. she told Hmm you don't look more that 26 but Im sure you are not less than 29.I replied. Good.. impressed..this Sept ill be 30. You married??i asked..OH JOE YOU ASK TOO MUCH,WHY DO WANT TO KNOW ALL THESE.."just like that" i replied.K not yet..she answered. May i know why??i asked..She was irritated,You want some more coffee?she asked.Yes..but before that i would like to know the reason. No serious reasons,had been in a couple of relations,1st one dint work,2nd one we mutually parted.After that i got busy with my paintings,shows,exhibitions,auctions,shoots etc, i travel a lot so no time..YOU HAPPY?? she made a face. You did your master in Psychology right??i asked.Yup,but i dint wanna make it my career.When was your last exhibition,I asked.Last November ,in Bangalore.God i love Bangalore,she said.Who doesn't?? i asked.My parents she chuckled.They don't wanna live their in Bangalore. "You just talk to him,Im in a shoot.ill call you soon" she read Ananad's Meassage. k LETS TALK..I SAID we got back to the drawing room,i looked at the paintings,she is a genius. Parents wanna cum back to Kerala,Bur bro is settled there,he is a scientist.Sister in law is from Bangalore,so he wouldn't come back.She said. Where in Bangalore does your family stay?? I asked.Marthahally.she replied.Brand Factory ,I said.Yea absolutely..she smiled. Why cant you bring your parents here in Thrissur,I asked.I wont be here Joe.Today Im here,tomorrow I will be in Bangalore,Next week Culcutta,if I'm married or bring parents here, i wouldn't do all these. My brother,we are 8 years apart,he is more like a DAD.He wanted me to do some research on Psychology and go UK or US.He is a technical man and Im a creative girl.we never get along.He never understands.In fact I never had a Brother,I had two DADS..she laughed out. Wait Mr.Verma is calling she picked the call."Verma Your,Friend is here,the most irritating visitor i ever had,he dropped into my kitchen, forced me to make black coffee" HA HA k,ill do that".."You are in Mumbai ryt??k.. bye..she kept the call. He wants me to show you my works.she said. She had a beautiful collection of paintings and photographs.Photographs with paintings as back grounds.You work on Photos?? I asked,Yep ..Central image or character will be a photograph..look at this work..see this temple is the center..These trees,clouds,people.. all are paintings. Marvelous..i started admiring her. My phone vibrated,Anand's Message."ask her to show you the "November Rain"". Thanu,,I would like to see November rain.I said. Thanus face changed..who told you about that??she asked.Anand.. He just messaged me. Well that's one photograph i dint alter.its a very special pic.. She opened her safe,took one album.. Took out one big photo and gave it to me.I looked into that photo.. I WAS SHOCKED..FROZEN "YELLOW FLOWERS ON WET ROAD,NEAR TO A CEMETERY,NEXT TO A TREE,A DRENCHED GUY ,WITH LONG CURLY HAIRS TILL SHOULDER,AND THICK BEARD,IN LOOSE V NECK FULL SLEEVE T SHIRT,SPREADING HIS ARMS,LOOKING UP TO THE SKY EMBRACING THE DROPS" i dint speak.. She stared at me.."IS THAT YOU"..SHE CRIED..OH !!! MY!!!!!! GOD!!!! she snatched that snap from me.she took a close look,IS THAT YOU JOE...OH MY GOODNESS...IS THIS YOU??????? SHE SHOUTED..she was shivering.i could see her neck veins . Yes... i replied.. BUT LONG HAIR,BEARD..YOU WERE THIN,,,,she was stammering.. this is 2 years back,,i had long hair that time.. SHE SAT ON HER BED..she was gasping..I was in my friends house..it started raining ,saw the yellow flowers on road from balcony,i went inside to take the camera,wen i returned ,i saw one guy embracing the rain..like he was posing for me..i clicked this snap..he stood under that tree for couple of minutes,then one red bike came he went with his friend.She said. that red bike ryt??? i pointed my finger to my room mates bike..she said yes..the same bike.. "I ALWAYS MISS AN YOUNGER BROTHER WHEN I EVER I SEE THIS SNAP..THAT'S WHY I DINT ALTER IT..I DON'T BELIEVE IN REINCARNATION JOE..BUT IF SOME THING LIKE TAT EXISTS..IM SURE ,THE BOY IN THIS SNAP WOULD HAVE BEEN MY YOUNGER BROTHER LAST BIRTH"...She was almost weeping..I NEVER HAD A BROTHER. Verma has seen this snap..he knows my attachment to this snap..she said. I WAS FROZEN..I COULDN'T TALK.. Thanu its 6.05..i must go.. She came to the door..I turned back.."Thanu,shall i tell you some thing..i asked Yes Joe You can,,she said.. "YOU SHOULD GET MARRIED"..I was shivering.. "Never had a brother to remind me"..she smiled..for the first time i found her smile genuine.. I started my byke..reached the main road..i took my phone..dialled Anand Verma's no: But he was out of coverage area......